"Think of saying a normal thing, and then fuck it up and make it frustrating, and you've got a riddle."
An ongoing list of riddles told in Cordelia. They are a recurring theme in many cultures, though they are often made to be intentionally trivial or misleading. Some don't even leave any evidence about their actual answers, or may not accept answers that are technically also correct. Many are really just fables with open-ended questions attached. So is the way of riddles.
Frederick de Bonesby reveals during Riddle Guy that the secret is that any answer stated confidently enough is treated as correct, but this is ultimately a lie just to help Albee's confidence.
What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
Answer: Man. Illegal Rinbecca poses this riddle to passerby in Soaking Valley Prison. The riddle is apparently very well-known in Cordelia as well, but not all sphinx use the same riddle. Most common intelligent races would qualify as well (dwarf, elf, etc).
Alternative Answer: Woman. You need to examine your biases.
Who burns brightest of them all with the passion for riddles?
Answer: Perhaps this year we will see. This is more of an in-joke at Riddle Guy that one would have to attend to know.
When is a child no longer a child?
Answer: Well after the fact.
Once there were three dwarves. One was so tall as to be a man. One was clean shaven and one had scales for skin. Soon it came time for them to go to war. Which side of the war did they fight on?
Answer: The losing side. 3 men are not enough to win a war, cool as they may be.
Acceptable Answers: the war was over, as the scaled man was from a forgotten age.
The arrogant schoolteacher and the wise pupil were having a dispute about manners. The arrogant schoolteacher believed manners to be what separates the sentient species from the animals. The wise pupil replied, "Is not the charging bull the most sentient creature of all? For it gives ample warning of its approach with the various noises it makes." This shamed the arrogant schoolteacher, who retired and is presumed dead.
Answer: The schoolteacher was the pupil's mother. You probably thought it was her father! Says a lot about you!
A young Loxodon approached his human mother, tears in his eyes. "Mother? The other children tease me, telling me that I am adopted. But you told me that I would become a human when I hit puberty. Who is telling the lie?" The mother frowned. "We must wait and see." Who was telling the lie?
Answer: The young Loxodon was lying. He was drowning and had gone insane due to oxygen deprivation. He was also in his fifties and was wanted for killing a bank.
What can you hold in your right hand but not in your left?
Answer: Certain keys
A man and his shoes were having an affair when his wife discovered them in that holy moment. Shocked but not unhappy, she wished her husband well on his new life and granted him an amicable divorce. Due to her numerous good qualities, she had many suitors. She lined up the three most promising and had each of them describe why they should become her new husband. The first man explained that he had infinite money due to a marvelous device and could shower her with wealth. The second man explained that although he was dull and poor, he had discovered a technique that would leave her breathless. He explained the technique and it sounded like he knew his stuff (hubba hubba). The third man stepped forward to reveal his troll mask and reveal himself as her husband. He explained that the shoes had died somehow and he wanted her back. Who did she choose?
Answer: all of them. Because sometimes you can have it all.
A wise man was on his deathbed. He called his three sons into his room and posed a riddle to them, explaining that whosoever answers his riddle to his satisfaction would claim his inheritance. The three sons listened intently as the father spoke, "What is as round as a circle and as straight as a line? It costs you no money, but if you lose it, all is lost. It can only be seen from certain angles. You can heat it up, but this is only what fools would do. What is it?"The eldest brother, trim as possible and taller than certain trees, spoke first. "Why father, the thing of which you speak is a human life, which encompasses infinite experiences but only stretches out in one direction. It can only be seen in retrospect and only fools would live in too hot a climate." However, the father frowned. "You were always too trim for riddles," he scolded. The second brother, wide as two men, spoke next, loudly and confidently: "Of course, our dear father is describing time. Time is infinite, and all things to all people, so it fits these descriptions. The mention of fools 'heating it up' is a reference to Hot Time, a disgusting local custom." The father frowned at him sadly. "You have done a bad thing, answering in this way. "The youngest brother, medium in every way, save for his very expensive hat, spoke last. "Father's words describe an abstract concept, but I know better, owing to my time as a man of society and influence. Father describes a weird window. It is circular, but has some straight lines on it. It costs no money, because it was already installed in the house you moved into, but all is lost because you'll lose your deposit if it is stolen. It can only be seen from certain angles, due to an error with the window, and only a fool would heat a window up. That is my answer." The father smiled. "That is also not correct. None of you have answered my riddle." The father then died peacefully, and his sons fell into poverty, where they also died peacefully. Which of the brothers answered correctly?
Answer: Neither. Little One poses this riddle with three matching doors. Bellow finds a fourth door he is standing on.
Two apes were debating whether or not to evolve into man. The first ape explained that evolving into man would come with certain advantages: more specific finger nails, less muscles and access to money. The second ape saw the wisdom in this, but answered "If we are to evolve into mankind, who then will become the apes." The first ape looked directly at you and shrugged. "I don't know. Do you?"
Answer: Dogs. The riddle is posed as a means of buying clothes at Riddle Guy. There were multiple answers given and rewarded on various quality.
The world's youngest elf decided to line all the world's bugs up by order of importance. The reason she did this is unimportant and possibly even sad. The most important bug was the butterfly, for its beauty was at that time incorrectly thought to be what tamed the sun. The second most important was the stick bug due to its role in inventing trees. This went on for some time rather easily. Finally the elf got to the end of the line and had to decide between the caterpillar and the mosquito. Which did she choose and why?
Answer: neither, because the youngest elf is a baby and they couldn't do this task to begin with. Apollo Nasty does add that this answer is "close enough."
Three friends were greeted by Death. She asked each of them where they were going. The first friend, oldest and rumored to be wisest spoke first. "I am going forward." Death frowned at this.
"No. You are going into the ground." She buried the friend, killing her. The second friend stepped forward and slicked down his wretched hair.
"I am going... into the ground?" Death frowned too at this.
"No, you are going into the sky!" She flung him into the sky where he died from touching the sun. The third and final friend stepped forward. Death asked the friend "Where are you going?" And so I ask you: where was the friend going?
Answer: Albee says that Death was a woman the whole time so the third friend was going to examine her biases. This is deemed technically correct.
What can you never have for breakfast?
Answer: dinner.
What is in a bed but does not sleep?
Answer: A river, a vegetable, a pillow. We also would have accepted “a really awake guy.”
What has 4 wings but cannot fly?
Answer: A weird library with too many wings.
Acceptable Answers: two theaters.
What’s easy to pick up but hard to put down?
A feather
Acceptable (and arguably better) Answers: A new skill
What rollercoaster has no height requirement?
Answer: An emotional rollercoaster.
When does red mean go and green means stop?
Answer: Tomatoes
Acceptable Answers: when asking the riddle, Thunk says he was thinking of watermelons.
A pile of straw, a pile of sticks, and a pile of bricks were engaged in one of their classic debates. The straw said “I am the greatest building material known to man. I defy anybody to build with me and then knock me down.”
The pile of sticks scoffed and shook what passed for its head. “You speak folly. No pile of straw in all of pile history has ever been as mistaken boastful as you. I am the supreme building material. For you see sticks are thicker than individual strands of straw. And so, they are hardier, better in every way. I believe myself the best building material.
“Brothers,” chuckled the pile of bricks, for although they were not born of the same mother, they all had a foundational belief in found families that carried them through debates such as this. “You speak as clowns do, forcing rough chuckles from my bricky throat. Neither of you are the supreme building material, for you see, I am! Bricks can be stacked and mortared together, providing the cutting edge in current building technologies. For this reason, I believe myself supreme. Let us each be built into a house by a pig and see who withstands the longest.”
“Okay, well if mortar is on the table, I’m grabbin’ that too,” said sticks.
“No,” said bricks. “That’s mine.”
The piles saw the wisdom in that.
And so they waited for hundreds of millions of years for mankind to destroy themselves with warfare and for pigs to evolve into the dominant species on earth. In no time flat, in pile time, each of the brothers had been built into a house. Soon a big bad wolf, a case of convergent evolution, came around and blew down the house of straw. Not satisfied with this, he blew down the house of sticks, leaving only the house of bricks. Now I ask you: who was the foolish brother?
Answer: unclear. The riddle is asked by Patches O'Christmas in the Spring Special: Lent Enders episode. He is thrown into the circle of Lust before he can hear the answers, but the enchanted door reacts to the party's answers to varying degrees. It reacts the most strongly when Albee sarcastically answers that mortar was the fourth, foolish brother, as it relied on brick and had no opinion of its own.
The Cave and the Mistress
An unfinished riddle that is started in the episode of the same name. It is presented by a peacekeeper at Soaking Valley as he arrests the party for trespassing, but we don't hear anything beyond the title as Albee groans in frustration.
Daily Doubles[]
Posed similarly to riddles, they appear in BEARS! The Blessing of the Obelisk. Following Jeopardy rules, the answer is given with the response needed in the form of a question.
“This badass personified is the ultimate chiller with a real knack for smiting down the enemies of awesome.”
Answer/Question: the question is posed by The Obelisk. Each player answers differently, but is each deemed correct. The players answer Deadpool, me (Burnie), The Obelisk, love, and Chuck Norris.
This circular wonder echoes the lime in its plumage, the bouncy ball in its behavior, and while it may not make a racket, it's sure to meet one.
Answer/Question: What is a tennis ball? The riddle is asked by the honeycomb throne in Bears! The Blessing of the Obelisk Part 2 as its Daily Double.
Trivia[]
- In The Riddled Remnant, green is called "the color of riddles."
- During Patreon episodes, the group mentions that during Riddle Guy, nearly any answer stated confidently enough is treated as the correct one. Frederick lets Albee in on the secret in-character, but he doesn't actually believe it and assures that it was a lie to boost her confidence.